Here’s a tip: always tie the boat to the pier before attempting to get out.
Actually, it’s not so much a tip as it is pure common sense, which apparently, my sister Maggie lacks greatly. I’m happy to say, this doesn’t run in the family.
If we were all to follow her lead, we’d be screwed. Though she has a great mind for calculus, chemistry and art, you know, things that require intelligence, the simple things in life seem to elude her. Maybe they’re just not important enough to know. Well, that’s the excuse we give her at least.
So, how would you get out of a boat according to Maggie? Let’s follow her step by step.
Step 1: Especially when in a hurry, scramble out of the boat onto the pier. But, under no circumstances should you tie the boat to the dock first.
Let’s watch Maggie explain the steps. She pushed off of the railing to climb onto the pier, which floated two feet above; the boat began to float away. She was still in it.
Step 2: Do not stop. The boat may continue to glide in the other direction but keep trying. It will work. Maybe.
The harder she struggled to climb the wooden planks, the farther the boat drifted in the other direction.
Within seconds, her body was fully extended, dangling over the water, her hands tightly grasping the edge of the dock, her toes curled around the sideboard of the boat, her eyes as big as her body long.
Step 3: Give up. During this step, your body is stretched between the boat and pier, it is now a good time to rest and contemplate how you are really going to get out of the mess.
When she couldn’t hold on any longer, she fell into the water face first, causing a painful smack and a reddened face. Always try to be as graceful as possible when dropping into the water.
Step 4: Listen to your fellow boat riders; they obviously just want to help.
Those left in the boat thought they saw a snake swim by her head, so they told her, just to be nice.
Step 5: Panic.
She started to panic even more, her arms flailing around sending seaweed and water flying into the boat. (I don’t know much about snakes but I doubt that would really stop one from biting.)
Step 5: Wait until family stops laughing hysterically, then, they will help.
When dad finally forced himself to stop laughing, he pulled Maggie out of the water and into the boat. She was shaking from head to toe like a cat cornered by a pack of dogs ready to attack. Only, she beat everyone to the punch line.
Step 6: Blame your idiocy/clumsiness on any and everyone in the vicinity. (Hide red face during this step. It only perpetuates teasing otherwise.)
Upset and embarrassed, she started yelling at everyone. Like it was really our fault she was an idiot. Maybe the reddened face was from anger and not hitting the water.
Step 7: Pray that annoying/taunting cousin did not witness your non-so-smooth departure from the boat.
But wait, oh shit, he was standing at the end of the long pier, doubled over in laughter. He saw it all. (Ten years later and he still gives her shit about it.)
Step 8: (The final step.) Proceed to cabin to do whatever important thing you were scrambling out of the boat for in the first case.
I personally wouldn’t feel the need to go though all of that to listen to an Ace of Base cassette tape, but, hey she wouldn’t be Maggie if she didn’t.
{photo via weheartit}
